i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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