Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
