do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
