does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
