he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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