I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
