dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I want is dick and wine.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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