i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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