so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
