I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.