apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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