Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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