Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
