So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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