She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
