I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
