she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
