I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
