it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
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I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
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Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.