Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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