She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
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doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity