Cold hands, warm shart.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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