i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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