I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
