I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Hippo gnu deer
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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