So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
