i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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