i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
