Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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