just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
