Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
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That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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