How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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