Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Randomize
