remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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