my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.