This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.