im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
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Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
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Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?