i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
this is an emotional support booty call
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I love you. Go after that dick
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
