Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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