drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
