Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
