see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?