And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
