Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
