Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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