i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
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the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
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I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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