Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
