Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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