Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
