cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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