Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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