I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
