I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
