And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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