woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's shark week go big or go home
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
