Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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