She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
