LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
