he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
