i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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