i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
