You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
