Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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