if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
