Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
