69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
